


How Can I Say Goodbye?

by dolphin02



Series: Grief Collection [2]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Sadness, may dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 08:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17721302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dolphin02/pseuds/dolphin02
Summary: "I was going to love you forever. Marry you. You were my other half. I could imagine it all. We'd have a house with a rose garden outside, and lots of little ones running around. We would've had it all. I could see it," Drew's voice cracked. "Oh, May. How am I supposed to live now?" In memory of the Paris shootings.





	How Can I Say Goodbye?

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This is the promised second part of the Grief Collection. It's about Drew and May, and shorter than the first one, but just as meaningful and heartbreaking I hope. I know this is late in the night, and I'm going to be so tired for school tomorrow. Great.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, Pokemon characters, or anything related to the Paris attack. Thank you.

No. He was not going to cry. No, he wasn't. He wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't. He wasn't going to cry. No. He wouldn't. He couldn't. Drew Hayden had to be strong. He was strong. He could do this.

He. Wasn't. Going. To. Cry.

Drew clenched and unclenched his hands. "And May Maple was indeed loved...may she...wish nothing…family..."

He wanted to strangle the man. He wanted punch him in the face. He wanted to scream and punch the damn pastor in the face. Hard.

Who would've thought that after dating May for three years, on the day he finally mustered up the courage to propose, someone gave him a call? An old friend.

Yes, Pastor John.

The Pastor who did his mother's funeral. And his sister, Rose's. And his Dad's. And now, he was called, to do May's. And Paul's. And Calem's.

May's funeral. Those two words should have never been a phrase yet. Not when she was seventeen. No. Not when she was only seventeen.

Drew brushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes, looking up to stare at the tall, wiry man standing on the podium solemnly.

Arceus, Drew was going to punch him.

He clenched his hands again. No, he wouldn't give in, he wouldn't punch the Pastor, or cry. No, Drew was going to sit there silently until the funeral was over. Yes, he was. Yes.

Deep breaths Drew, he thought, breathing in deeply. Deep breaths.

The Pastor's voice faded in and out of his mind as Drew stared daggers at the black colored coffin sitting there, ready to buried.

It shouldn't exist. It shouldn't. And the coffin shouldn't be black. No, May hated black. That was her least favorite color.

But they wouldn't open the coffin. They refused. They stitched her up, and tried to make her pretty again, but the bomb ruined her too much.

Drew knew he shouldn't have let her go to Lumiose with Dawn. Paul had been going there to meet them as Dawn's boyfriend.

Drew knew Paul. He was cold, stoic, and unattached.

Except with Dawn. They all knew that he adored Dawn, and that she loved him back.

May had gone with Dawn to visit Paul, who was on vacation, and chose to go to Kalos to see Calem.

Calem, Paul, May, and Dawn had gone out to eat. And then the shootings started.

Drew took another deep breath.

Dawn was curled up in a fetal position, arms wrapped tightly around her knees, blue hair spread to cover her face, knuckles white with strain, whimpers coming out of her mouth. She was rocking back and forth, muttering May's name over and over.

Serena held Dawn's right hand tightly, face blank and tense, ready to bolt. Serena's blue eyes were nearly gray, darkened in grief as the Pastor talked on.

Those two would be there for each other. They had others too. Drew included. But who would be there for Drew?

Not his mom, his father, or his sister. They were all dead. Not May, or Paul, or Calem. Gary was Professor Oak now. He couldn't be here. No, Drew was pretty much on his own.

The Pastor finally finished with a flourish, grinning from ear to ear at his great speech. It was a fucking funeral dude.

Drew curled his hands again, tensing the muscle, and took deep breaths.

No. Drew had self-control. He would NOT punch the Pastor. Or pummel his idiotic glasses off his face. Or beat that mustache until it was bloody. Or...Drew took another inhale through his nose.

In. Out. In. Out.

"Now, May's loved ones and friends may pay their tribute to her."

Drew stood up, gently hauling Serena and Dawn to their feet, the rest of their friends following in suit.

They got in a line, and started towards the hole.

Everyone stood solemn as two men lowered the coffin into the earth. Whispered regrets floated through the air as everyone took their turn throwing dirt in, and muttering their goodbyes.

When it was Drew's turn, he spoke loudly, not even bothering to look at the attention he received.

"I was going to love you forever. Marry you. You were my other half. I could imagine it all. We'd have a house with a rose garden outside, and lots of little ones running around. I could see it," Drew's voice broke. "It's all gone now. Oh, May. How am supposed to live now?"

"I had bought the ring, and was going to propose the night you came back. Your mother had the wedding plans started," at this, Caroline smiled sadly, and cried into her husband's shoulder. "I could imagine everything. Roserade, Masquerain, Butterfree, Flygon, and Absol were all so excited! Everything would have been perfect."

Dawn started sobbing, not just silent tears and the quiet shake of her shoulders, but soft cries of pain were heard, and Serena crouched down next to the curled up Dawn, muttering sweet nothings, comforting her.

"What do I do now May? You've left behind a broken person, who misses you so much, he doesn't even think it's worth it to live anymore."

Dawn's cries rose just a little bit louder, and many of the spectators gasped in surprise.

"Oh May…" Drew's voice was husky and sad, almost completely hoarse. He didn't even bother wiping off the large tears that dripped out of his eyes and onto his nose. He didn't stifle the small sniffles and quiet whimpers. He was done being strong for the moment. This was his moment of weakness. He could feel the mixture of snot, tears, and grief onto the ground. His own cries rose louder, pained.

"May! It's not fair! Why did you have to go? You didn't deserve it! You were simply visiting! But you had to die! Die, May! You went off and got killed! It's...not fair. It's really not. I should have kept you from going, kept you from going to Kalos! I should've."

Drew's sobs were hiccups of pain, all uneven and choppy, hurting him every time he breathed.

He knelt in front of the would-be grave and cried. It had hurt so bad.

Serena was praying and rocking back and forth behind him, holding Dawn steady.

"Oh fuck," Drew gasped out, clutching his chest and muttering profanities. "Ahh, it hurts so bad."

"Drew...uh, come over here," Max's unsure voice drifted over his shoulder, and Drew struggled over to the side of the grave, still choking and gasping for each painful inhale.

"Max," Drew's voice was even weaker now. "It hurts."

"I know," Max's broken voice suddenly made it easier to breath. "I know Drew. I get it."

"No...you don't!" Drew gurgled out, coughing and hacking away. "You lost a sibling, I know how that feels! I lost...my Rosie. She was...the best sister a boy could ask for. And she died of cancer. Leukemia. No blood donor...fit….hers. But...May…" Drew cried out as a particular difficult intake of breath resulted in a sharp pain in his chest. "Oh Arceus, it's ten times worse. It's like losing half of you! It just...hurts. Like...if Bailey died. Would you...care more? Not that I'm saying...you didn't love May as much...but…it's not overwhelming...pain. Not like...you're being ripped apart."

Max seemed shell-shocked that Drew even knew about Bailey. The young blond had been rivals with Max for a long time, and May had been the only person he told about his crush. But guess May had told Drew too.

"Yes...I know about her. Pretend...that she's just gone. Forever. Doesn't...that hurt?" Drew hiccuped as he tried to take another deep breath, the panic attack sweeping over and out of him.

Max doubled over and started groaning in phantom pain. "Forever, Drew? She's...dead?"

"Pretend Max...she's not dead."

"Oh," the relief was evident in the young man's voice as he stood up, cheeks bright red and eyes diverted. "Yeah...it doesn't necessarily hurt as much as...losing May, but...it's a different kind of pain."

Drew started to make his way onto his own knees, breathing easier again. But as soon as he leaned over and stared at the poor, black coffin, he felt like retching and that something was choking him again.

"I...can't stay. I'm taking Dawn and Serena back to the hospital. Bye, take care, Max. Pretend that Bailey will die tomorrow. Do what you need to, now, when there's still time."

With that, Drew stumbled around the grave again, staring forlornly at the granite headstone, and picked up a handful of dirt.

"I promise I try to make them better May. Serena and Dawn. Myself...I can't promise anything," Drew said sadly, dropping the minerals into the grave, watching each grain fall and land.

He got up to leave, yet looked back, as if he wanted to say goodbye. "I can't. I can't say goodbye to you May. I can't say goodbye to your bright sapphire eyes, your warm personality, the joy you bring to everyone. I can't say goodbye to the messy hair and bandannas, the callused fingers and soft hands, or your bright smile that made even the lowest of the low smile back. I just…" Drew ran a hand through his hair as silent tears rolled down his cheeks yet again. "I can't say goodbye. It's too hard."

He reached out with one hand to gently pull Dawn up again, and then pulled Serena along too.

"Come on. We're going home," Drew said stiffly, remembering where they were. He swiped his suit sleeve over his face, wiping the mess of his breakdown away.

"Home? May always said that...she would always be a home for me. She would always be there, always be there for me, always caring, safe, and loving. Never leaving. But she left," Serena's soft, faraway voice ghosted over Drew's ears, making him shiver. "Are we going to our May home now? Because I want my home in May back. I want her back."

"No Rena. We're going back to the hospital. We have been living there for six days now," Drew said in a gentle, parenting way.

"But I want to be...with May!" Dawn's childish voice sniffled out. She lifted her head and her red-rimmed eyes almost made Drew crack. "I want to have a contest battle with her!"

For a second, it almost seemed like Dawn forgot that May was dead. As if they were back in the past and May was only a text away. "I want my best friend! I want to be next to her! I want be there for her! Like she's there for me!"

"No, Dawn. May's gone forever. She's dead. She can't be there for you anymore, and you don't have to be for her. She's safe, and at peace. We have to get better, the three of us, okay?" Drew said calmly.

"Okay," Serena and Dawn said simultaneously, in a monotone voice, as if rehearsed.

Drew led them to the cemetery parking lot and got in his green convertible. He helped strap Dawn in, and Serena held her hand tightly. Dawn was almost back to a infant, except the faraway, in-the-past look that Dawn had in her eyes. The eyes of someone who had seen way too much for her years.

He drove them home, to the hospital, and left the two with Nurse Joy.

Then he went on a drive. Back to the place of the shooting. To the restaurant May died in.

Drew stood in front of the ashy, war-torn building.

And it really did look like a war had been fought in the restaurant indeed. Plaster walls were crumbled, wood half eaten away by fire, and rubble of the ruined chairs and tables scattered, result of the explosions. Bullet shells and shattered glass everywhere. The counter had many bullet holes in it, and pinpricks of light made it through to the shadowy, dusty side.

l'Ocean. A wonderful, diner, all seafood and ocean based dishes. Seaweed, crabs, lobsters, clams, shrimp...the list went on and on.

And May, Calem, Dawn, and Paul had gone there for a nice Friday night dinner, only to have three die.

Drew breathed in the chemical-riddled, ashy air, the haze of a light drizzle slowly making it's way throughout Lumiose. When it reached Drew, he did nothing but stand there as the light rain soaked through his green hair. Or his white, plain t-shirt. Like the other three he had been wearing since May's death. Plain, white t-shirts.

May had always wanted him to wear those, but he had always declined. He regretted it now.

He stood there for hours, unmoving. Not even crying. Not a sound. No movement. Absolutely nothing.

But at one point, Drew stopped seeing the wrecked building in front of him. He saw the teasing between he and May, the memories of their first date, when Drew finally got the guts to ask her out, and explain his feelings, the first time they kissed, or the the first time they had gone a public television together, as a couple.

They had inseparable. But by death apparently.

He relived every moment between he and May, nearly his entire teenage years flashing before his eyes. Perhaps this was what the moment before death was like. But Drew had experienced everything over again. But this time, he cherished every second, and was plagued by regrets and guilt.

He could've bought May the blue rose she had seen at the supermarket on their third Valentine's Day. It was rare, and so expensive. And for classic's sake, Drew had bought her a red rose. He regretted it.

Everything, from the smallest detail to their worst fights, Drew felt the guilt and pain of losing her wash over him all again. Subjecting him to this damn thing called, grief.

He watched the sun set, and the colors of gray, blue, indigo, and purple spread out over Lumiose, nightfall falling, and rain still pounding steadily.

After hours of soaking in the rain, it was Gary who found him. The same Gary who had became the new Professor Oak. The same Gary who had really, sincerely been sorry for not being able to come and see his friends. Leaf had come. But Gary had too many things to do.

Gary looked wet, and tired. Gray, sickly bags highlighted his brown eyes, his spiked hair was limp and flat, clothes hanging with difficulty around him.

"Drew. You're going to get sick," Gary called out from the other end of the alley,

"I don't care," Drew said back, and the sad thing was, he didn't. Drew really didn't care about his own health, his own life really anymore. Everything he loved and cared for was gone, and Gary, his own version of a best friend, hadn't come. Sure, he was here now, but that's not what you do when the person you're worried about had just lost their would-be fiancee.

Drew watched, almost fascinated, as Gary started walking towards Drew, his gait strange and unfamiliar.

"Well I do. And Dawn does. And Serena. And Leaf, Marina, Jimmy, Ash, Cynthia. everyone. And they're all worried. You've got us all." Gary finally explained as he placed a heavy hand on Drew's shoulder.

"Come on. Come home with us," Gary asked, steering him towards the main street.

"Where? Where's home? I'm not sure anymore. They want me to say goodbye Gary. Say goodbye to her body, her spirit, her memory, everything. They want me to let go, pretend the shooting never happened, and that I didn't date May for three years, falling in love with her. And as my world was falling apart, I had be steady for the other grievers. I didn't even have my best friend to fall on," Drew said quietly, and without anger.

"Drew, I fought tooth and nail to be here now," and to his credit, Gary did look tired and exhausted. "They didn't want me to leave. They pretty much made a rule, that I couldn't leave. But I did. And I'm here now, and I'll be here until you want me to leave," Gary said, guiding him towards his own car.

"I'll meet you at the hospital, okay?"

"Okay," Drew said back, making an empty promise.

When he started his car and started driving, he didn't drive to the hospital. He drove back to the graveyard. The cemetery.

He climbed out of his car, and started the uphill trek to May's grave.

Drew's legs screamed in pain, the sharp jabs frying the nerves during each jolt of his legs. The soreness only fueled his need to get to May, and say goodbye. He needed to just be free, and stop feeling so in pain and guilty for a moment. It was so selfish of him. So selfish of him to want let go of May, simply because he wasn't strong enough to hold it in anymore. But he needed it. He would've broke otherwise.

When he finally stood gasping in front of May's freshly made grave, he crumpled. He fell to his knees and keened out his pain to the world. His May was dead. His May Maple was dead.

And he had to fight off the heavy weight that came with it. He had get it off! And breathe again!

So he took a deep breathe, washed his mouth with a flood of warm rain, and started letting go.

"May! I love you so much! I love you too much! It hurts so bad! It's crushing me! My soul, my sense of purpose! I know you wouldn't want that. It's just...so damn painful. Why can't I grieve without the pain!?" Drew yelled out.

But he knew the answer to his own question. Because he was holding on. And he needed to let go, and accept it. Then grieve his heart out. That's what he needed to do. And he was trying. Arceus bless him, he was trying.

"I'm trying to let you go, because that's what you would've wanted, right? You loved me, and cared for me. You would've died for me, just like, in a sense, you died for Dawn, right? So…" he took a deep breath, "Here goes nothing. I, Drew Hayden, know that May Maple is gone. And that I can't do anything about it anymore. And as sorry as I feel about my situation, none of it is May's fault. So I have to let her have her peace. And it's okay, that she's dead. But I can be sad about it. I can. It's allowed. It's permitted. I'm supposed to grieve."

It wasn't sudden, like you might've read in a book. But as Drew said each slow, carefully thought out word, a little bit of weight fell of his shoulder, and he could almost feel May relaxing in her grave.

"Yes. Everything will be okay. Maybe not now, or anytime soon, but it'll be okay." Drew finished, looking up to the heavens.

Then as accomplished as he felt, he started crying. Full out, painful sobs. Because after Drew released himself to the guiltiness eating away inside him, now that he released the trapped spirit that needed to leave, he would properly send off May. Let May have the honor she deserved, and have someone grieve for her.

"Goodbye, May. I can say goodbye, now."

That was how Gary found him, again, kneeling, face up to the heavens, his own tears mixing with rain, and saying goodbye to May. His May.

She was safe. And she would be okay. So Drew could be too. Yes. He could.


End file.
